WHAT THE F*CK IS HE THINKING!!?!?!?! Right around Christmas, when I knew I was going to be banded, we had a talk about him having some sort of bariatric surgery to SAVE HIS LIFE but he told me he was ready to die. I'm going to be 32 this June and I still have all of my grand-parents and even 1 great grand parent (My father's grand-mother) but my daughter will not have the same thing because me dad is too much of a dumb ass to do something to save his life! That's how I feel. How could he possibly be ready to die? I know he's uncomfortable. I know he can't breath. I know it's hard to lose weight and I know it's hard to quit smoking but all of these things are possible and will hurt a lot less than the pain he's in now! WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM!!!?????
Way back when, when I first started my blog, I gave some background info about my parents. My mom had gastric bypass and all that jazz and my dad is just a mess.
Monday on my way home from work, my sister called me and asked if my dad had called. No, he didn't call. She goes on to tell me that he needs her to pick up Robert (I have a 7 year old brother, my dad's son, my dad's 56 and completely insane for having a kid at 50) from school at 2 o'clock on Thursday because he's going in for an angio-gram. Ok, no real big deal, right? The man is 56, 400+ pounds, smoker, diabetic, with COPD and high blood pressure. I'm not surprised he needs an angiogram! My other line rings and it's Shannon so I tell Melissa (my sister) that I'll call her back.
I call her back 10 minutes later and in that 10 minutes my dad has called her and told her the whole story and asks her not to tell anyone...including me! Turns out, my dad went in for some blood work and blah blah blah because even after tweaking his meds they can't get his bp under 160/100. They're pretty sure he's had a silent heart attack. So his cardiologist scheduled him for an angio-gram and possible angioplasty.
Anywho...Melissa doesn't want to ask for anymore time off of work. My nephew has really bad asthma and it's allergy season around here and she's been off quite a bit lately to take care of him. I called my dad and told him I'm going to take him to the doctor! Robert is going to the neighbors house and Shannon will pick him up when she gets off work.
I talk to my boss/BF/CPL(crazy pregnant lady)/car pool buddy and tell her what's going on. Being my boss she tells me to do what I gotta do, take the day off, work from the hospital, whatever. Being my BF she asks if I'm ok and I just go on a rampage!
I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM RIGHT NOW!!! How do you explain to your father that he doesn't need to be like this? How do I make him understand, he can get help? I know I can't make him do anything and he has to want it but how can he not want it? Howcan he be ready to give up?
He's diabetic. He takes 2 different kinds of insulin. Pokes himself however many times a day for that. He's on coumadin. Injects himself every day with that. He can barely walk. Getting up and down the stairs is extremely painful for him. How do I explain that he can trade all of that...ALL OF IT for 10 days of discomfort following bariatric surgery? And then, slowly but surely he will feel better? How do I make him understand?
You could let him read this post. It really is up to him. Even with WLS he has to want to let it work for him. I am 56 too and am doing this to live. But in true reality, he has to choose. I feel so bad for you and I hope he sees what he will be missing. Take care. Does his wife have any influence?
ReplyDeleteagreed. maybe he should read your blog.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the girls! Remember though, you can't make him do anything that he doesn't want to do. Its not for you to make him better. Maybe he should just talk to your surgeon.
ReplyDeleteI agree you should talk to him about it again (or have him read your blog), but you also have to step back and take a deep breath and remember that he is a grown man and you cannot force him to make changes. I am sure he feels really powerless and frightened by all that is happening to him. Weight issues are overwelming and I think we have all felt like there was nothing we could do at some point in the process. Let him know that you love and support him and if he wants to make some changes, you will help him however you can.
ReplyDeleteIt is a very hard place you are in right now. It sounds like your dad (this is my armchair therapist opinion) is not at a good place mentally right now and is depressed. If it is real, true, deep depression...you can't just snap out ya know? I feel for you. But I also agree with all the ladies. You need to tell him everything you are feeling, pull out all the stops...etc.
ReplyDeleteChele,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this! My father is having band surgery next month and I thank god that he is. Honestly, I am a little shocked that he decided to as it was really touch and go for a while. I think what has made the turning point for him was 1) seeing me do it (in his mind a dad should be braver/stronger than his daughter - or at least as strong) and 2) his own major health issues.
Now he has lived with major issues for a while - things a DVT (and the risk of losing his leg in the future some time), Lung and Kidney issues, Sleep Apnea, and lots of other "little things". He knew that losing weight would make things better, but with the added weight the last year has been a little crazy. He heard that he might lose a kidney and the chance of losing his leg became much more real.
I had to really bite my tongue while he considering the surgery. It really had to be his decision b/c even if I talked him into it he would still fail. I mean we know you can cheat with the band and with gastric bypass people gain the weight back (and some don't really lose much). In both, you have to be part of the solution.
My advice is to be an example (yes I know your mom has been, but sometimes when they see their kids do something it is different). Talk about how much healthier you feel, how much more stuff you can do, and things like that. If you think he will be open to it tell him how much you love him and how important he is to you and your family. How you really wish he could feel as good as you do now. Tell him that going to a seminar or seeing a doctor to get more info is not a committment and that gathering info is the best way to make a good decision for or against surgery - this I think is what really worked for me.
It took about a year for my dad to make the first appointment (right before my surgery). Even at that point he wasn't really sure. Even after that, it took a couple months for him to get active in the process. You could actually see him progress mentally and get more involved as time went on.
That said I still wonder sometimes if he will succeed. Not because he can't, but because it was more my idea and his committment was "forced". Mom and I was really careful about making it his decision, but of course I worry.
I hope things go well and he makes the mental change before things get too bad health wise. But remember, as hard as it is to bear, he has to make the decision himself - and not just say yes, but really truely believe that it is what he should do. You are a great person for trying to motivate him, but if decides not to it isn't because he doesn't love his family enough. The fear, misconceptions, and other things can be just too much for people.
Get Jillian from Biggest Loser to kick his ass. But seriously I have no idea what you are going through. It seems strange that if he's ready to die, that he wouldn't give some kind of bariatric surgery a try. There has to be other things going on. I don't think he's a dumb ass. It's hard to see our parents as people, but he must have some other stuff going on holding him back.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, he has to make the decision to have the WLS. Keep doing what you are doing and maybe you will be his inspiration to make the move to have the surgery.
ReplyDelete